Tuesday, August 16, 2011


So we are on to the second episode of BET's magnum opus Black Panther: The Animated Series. I was going to start off this entry with facts like I did the first, but man, I really don't feel like detailing every boneheaded thing this show does. Suffice it to say, this episode ups the ante to far more ridiculous levels. Also, it decides to be a comedy for no good reason.

Let's begin.

So, Black Panther totally whoops Captain America something fierce and then the credits roll.

These credits:

(Yes I am going to post that video every dang chance I get. Deal with it.)

After the beat down and the fat beats are laid down, Black Panther totally revives Captain America with magical African smelling salts, and carries him off into the distance. The flashback ends, and we see more gratuitous use of the Jurassic Park font.

The word of Black Panther wrecking Captain America puts racist general Stan Lee over the edge, and he throws a tizzy fit to end all tizzy fits and is force ably removed from the room and the story.  In any other situation this would be a downer, but this is fucking Black Panther. They will find a way to be far more ridiculous without a man who's entire existence is about shouting jingoistic racial epithets.

Strong black leader lady asks white nerdy guy to tell her more about who the Black Panther is. So, we get another flashback that is a straight up slapstick comedy complete with dingus boxing announcers who's sole jobs are to make awful jokes. We find out that to become the Black Panther you must first beat the Black Panther. Kind of like how becoming president works in Death Race 2000. 

We also learn that the Black Panther has a cousin named T'Shawn. That's right, in a world where everyone's name at least sounds somewhat like a really white guy trying to come up with African sounding names (T'Chaka, Shuri, T'Challa), we get a dude named T'Shawn. Well, T'Shawn is kind of a prick and gets beaten up.

While this is going on, Black Panther's momma is watching it on her sweet flat-screen television and is all bothered by the nonsense. She doesn't like fighting or something. Also, she has Shuri, her daughter locked in her room so she can't fight and become the Black Panther herself.

We immediately cut to Shuri showing up to fight and become the Black Panther herself. No one can tame the sassy princess. Except for when the Black Panther throws a gigantic dude out of the ring and it lands on top of her right before she can challenge for her right to rule. It is some straight up Looney Tunes shit.

Taking advantage of this, a masked man who totally isn't T'Challa jumps into the ring. Wait. Did I tell you all who T'Challa is? T'Challa is the current Black Panther as told to you in the credits sequence. Him winning this fight is the least surprising thing ever, and for some reason, his unmasking leads to a false ending. Just a couple of seconds of blackness for no good reason.

Or it could've just been dead air. Or a broken video feed. Or a metaphor for the stark void of humanity. Really, with Black Panther it could be anything.

So, T'Challa wins, and everyone is happy but Shuri and T'Shawn. Shuri is just pissed he got there before her. T'Shawn is pissed because T'Shawn is pissed all the time. 

With our history lesson complete, nerdy white guy and strong black leader lady have a discussion about how to completely rock Wakanda's shit. Nerdy dude says it ain't possible, but leader lady ain't wanna hear none of his guff on it. She mentions they might need to bring in special forces.

We then see that the U.S. Government is reanimating mopey corpses and giving them gun arms.

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