Tuesday, August 30, 2011
BLACK PANTHER: EPISODE SIX
Since none of you mooks believe in democracy and freedom and thus did not vote for the camp counseling theme song, this won via forfeit:
(Not gonna lie, I was going to use that contest as an excuse to post the Black Panther theme either way. It must be in every entry, no matter how forced.)
With that little formality out of the way, let's dive back into T'Challa's world.
Episode six is shockingly coherent. When you are used to people not knowing how a story works and what a cliff-hanger actually is, when a story actually has a beginning, middle, and end, it is mind-boggling. Especially when those people are really good at telling the worst story ever.
That being said, episode six is still absolutely ridiculous.
We open up, shockingly, with a direct continuation of Klaw's fight with Black Panther's daddy. He kills him dead, and T'Challa will have none of this. He stone cold smokes that bitch with his own gat. Klaw is not happy about being shot with his own gun, but instead of dying at the hands of a toddler, he takes a swan dive out of a seven story window into some sort of hoverjet.
We get a montage of The Belgian government straight up Six Million Dollar Maning him, and he makes a huge deal out of the fact they ripped out his eye and replaced it with a robot eye that looks exactly like a regular eye. Also his hand transforms at least thirty seven thousand times into various unwieldy and useless states.
Klaw doesn't mind being sewn up and given a comical robot hand, but when you take his eye and replace it with one that can shoot lasers, he is just not a happy camper. He harps on it for no good reason and I can't imagine this having any necessity to the story whatsoever.
Klaw is a complicated man, and no one understands him but Duder in the body of a woman.
This segues, poorly, to T'Challa's mother being all stereotypical motherly and telling T'Challa to stop doing king things and get a wife. And pork her until a kid is produced. She really wants T'Challa to get laid, and especially wants him to bump his uglies with Storm of the X-Men.
Shuri overhears this, and being a nosy little cunt, she makes her mom tell the story of T'Challa and Storm and it is literally like hearing the mother from Gullah Gullah Island read a trashy dimestore romance. Alfre Woodard, you make some questionable decisions.
The gist of it is, much like the Amish, after a certain age, all Wakandans are kicked out and made to wander around Africa until they become a man. T'Challa goes to Cairo, where he meets Storm, and by meets Storm, I mean she straight up robs him. T'Challa does not agree with her decision to rob him, she he hunts her down and she tells her sob story (that we never hear). Apparently Cairo is a lot like Oliver Twist and Storm is The Artful Dodger with tits. Teenage T'Challa wrecks Storm's slaver-owner's shit, and the two have a torrid love affair that, again, we never see.
We go back to the present and T'Challa's mom makes some lame joke about the weather.
But, who cares about that because now we cut to The Vatican.
Yeah, that's right.
They're bringing religion in to mix with their racism.
Duder is in girl mode still, and is there to seduce someone from the Vatican to convince them to fight Wakanda. The Vatican is all too eager to help because Wakanda worships some lame panther god and is not down with the JHC.
Duder is concerned about how they can help out, but little does (s)he know that they have the Black Knight, who is a medieval knight in armor who fights on a flying horse. We see him being a knight in armor fighting another knight in Armor in the middle of a secret room in the Vatican.
I need to meet the architect who planned in the knight room.
Duder is all up into this idea, and we cut to T'Challa having a nightmare about his dad dying. This leads to him gathering the stereotype council and telling them they better find Klaw.
T'Challa tells his people to follow the money.