Thursday, August 18, 2011
BLACK PANTHER: EPISODE FOUR
The Black Panther's scowl goes unresolved as John Hammond's prized font gives us the exact same "previously on..." as episode three. Only with Klaw at the end. Also, this is the episode where we find out other superheroes are chumps except for Black Panther and Storm. Because, you see white people superhero like this, but black people superhero like this.
So, after Klaw's story, dude who's name we never learn agrees to join him. Klaw's hand transforms like a billion times and we hear that he killed T'Challa's pops, T'Chaka, but T'Challa obviously lived and is the one who totally jacked him up and made him have a Tron hand.
This immediately cuts to inauguration day, and Black Panther's sweet throne and foxy guards are shown. In the exact same animation as in the credits.
I will never stop posting them.
Anywho, after a weak ceremony, Black Panther discusses politics with his counsel of elders. They are dressed like every African stereotype possible, including the witch doctor with a huge ass beard. Such topics are telling everyone else to fuck off, not giving up the cure for cancer, and not being able to find Klaw even though they have better intelligence than the CIA and Moussad.
Also, they need a new ambassador. T'Challa tries to send his uncle, but his uncle thinks New York is awful, so T'Shawn gets the job. The ever angry T'Shawn is now representing Wakanda. This should not lead to any complications. Nope.
We then get to see that Klaw is a rad dude, as he takes dude he broke out of prison...
You know what? Anyone who knows who that guy is supposed to be, please leave a comment here. It is frustrating. I could tell you the entire history of U.S 1, Ego: The Living Planet, Blackwulf, and The Thumper, but I have no idea who this guy is supposed to be.
So, from now on I am referring to him as "Duder"
Klaw takes Duder to a brothel to get his freak on. Klaw is a pretty radical boss, though I question his decision to not get down and dirty with any of the fine prosties up in the hizzy. That is his one fatal flaw.
Duder takes the prostitute in the room and pays her heaps of money to let him kiss her. At first, I think it is just because he is lonely and all the prison rape made him question some things. But, nope! He kisses her to steal her body. You know this is happening because his eyes flash blue.
We then see a phone call from Ororo, the X-Man Storm to T'Challa, and T'Shawn totally jacks it up. His uncle tells him he is a nimrod and they have been waiting hella long for this call. Storm is bad at following up, it seems. Anywho, she hangs up and is never mentioned again in this episode.
In his new lady body, Duder talks all creepy about wanting to be with a woman while Klaw goes overboard with his ever changing Decepticon hand. It gets completely out of hand, and to make matters worse, the poor madame of the brothel now has to clean up after a corpse.
Then we see Juggernaut completely rampaging in incredibly slow animation. Slow-mo can make some things look really great, but an unstoppable force going slower than an old woman on crutches is not exactly awe inspiring. And him taking out the worst X-Men ever makes it even less great.
Seriously, the X-Men are made out to be the biggest losers of all time. They get manhandled easily, they all talk like dinguses, and none of them have more than 3 frames of animation a piece. It is hilarious how bad they are made out to be.
But, beating up the X-Men was just a segue into Klaw hiring him, and the two walking really bad-assedly away from wreckage, making sure to punk out Nightcrawler before exiting.
Then we see the mopey corpses, finally revealed to be Deathloks, murder a special forces dude dressed as the Black Panther in a field test.