Sunday, July 24, 2011
After seeing Captain America: The First Avenger this weekend, I just knew it was finally time to let loose upon you, my readers, the glory of Mister Freedom. It seemed like the good, patriotic thing to do. While it may not be Steve Rogers' favorite movie, I know for damned sure that John Walker the U.S. Agent has to straight up jerk it to this movie.
Yeah, that reference might be even too nerdy for me, but I'll be damned if I unwrite it.
This movie was made by a crazy person. You would have to be straight from the looney bin to have seen a blank piece of paper and put the words down on it in the order that they happened in this movie. You'd have to be straight up certifiable to take those words on that piece of paper and use it as a basis for something to film. In fact, you'd have to have a significant disconnect with the fundamental principles of reality to work on this project.
Oh wait, it was made in the sixties. So, drugs. That explains it.
I am going to do something different with this review. I am going to post the entire plot, summarized in a way only Camp Counseling can do. I will not critique anything after said summary of the plot. When I post the last thing that happens in the movie, this entry will end. I feel that this is the only way that you can truly invoke the spirit of Mister Freedom.
That doesn't, however, mean I am not going to throw out some opinions beforehand.
I would love to sit here and pick out a memorable quote or something to lure you in from the beginning, but I can't. The entire script is hilarious. From the very first line spoken in this movie, you are hooked. There is no way that the things being said could possibly be being said. But, they are. They are ridiculously racist, cartoony, jingoistic, and just plain bizarre. Also, the accents are hilarious and I am not one to subject anyone to reading phonetic scribblings of ridiculously french people.
Be forewarned, however, as this movie is supposed to be a satire, and at times, you will see them almost doing this effectively. Don't let that sucker you in. This movie is beyond ridiculous, and any attempts at serious satire are completely undone by the drug fueled insanity splayed up on the screen.
But enough gabbing, let's get to the movie. Remember, all the things I am going to say actually happened. Someone filmed them and put them in this order.
The movie opens with a riot of some sort. There is no real reason given for the riot other than, "hey, America is a pretty violent place." (Satire, natch).
After some rioting, we are taken into a prison. A super American sheriff kinda swaggers around, past a poster claiming that John F. Kennedy is a traitor and a wanted man. He then approaches a gigantic American flag and we see that he is actually MISTER FREEDOM. We know because we see this costume
This immediately cuts to ridiculously stereotypical black people hanging out in a loft apartment talking about all the things they have looted. I am 99% sure all of them are pimps and/or pushers and have probably pissed off both Shaft and Dolemite at least a dozen times. They are jive talkin' and laughing up a storm because they robbed so many places.
Mister Freedom, not wanting to wait for the inevitable shuckin' and jivin,' totally bursts through the window and yells racial epithets at them. Then, he starts singing his own theme song, very loudly, and very angrily as he waves pistols in the air, shooting all their ill-gotten gains. He is in the midst of his terrifying shanty when, suddenly, Dr. Loomis himself, Donald Pleasance, gives him a call on his wrist television video chat doohickey.
In this movie, Donald P is playing Professor Freedom. I like to think this is the one role closest to his real personality. Pleasance loved America, I am sure of it.
Anywho, Professor Freedom needs Mister Freedom to report back to Freedom Headquarters. You will hear the word "freedom" a lot in this movie. It is super sly satire. I mean, the superest and slyest. So, Mister Freedom kills the black people and rolls out like a stud.
Inside Freedom HQ, we learn that this movie was not directed by William Klein, but rather Harold Zoid, because every extra or ancillary character has to be doing something absurd at all times. This will prevail throughout the movie, but it starts with the receptionist chewing the shit out of some gum and kinda hopping along with Mister Freedom to the elevator.
Inside the elevator, we see that all of America's biggest companies like General Motors and Unilever are tied in with Freedom, Incorporated. However, we never get to see what Freedom, Inc.'s office looks like, because a spooky video monitor that has multiple Dr. Loomis heads schools Mister Freedom on how totally radical freedom and America are, and how straight up horrible everyone else is, especially the French. He shits all over France because, as luck would have it, Mr. Freedom has to go to France because his freedom buddy Captain Formidable was murdered by the dreaded Red Chinaman. Mister Freedom has a very bizarre love for Captain Formidable. They must have had a forbidden romance at some point in time.
So, Mister Freedom's plane lands in what we are told is France, and the first thing he does is beat up a Chinese tourist and totally swipe their camera. The camera is never seen again, and Japanese people are the ones who are always taking pictures, but fuck consistent stereotypes. We ain't care about that anymore, because as soon as Mister Freedom struts into the French hotel, he is swarmed by more foxy ladies. Inside the elevator, he is attacked by a sassy lady in a blue overcoat. After beating her up and haranguing her about how it is totally okay for him to beat up a woman (well, she did start the fight), she strips and has shows her totally revealing pro-freedom bathing suit. This woman is Marie, and she is his contact in France. They never pork, however, as filthy foreign vaginal secretions are the number one cause of ED in this land.
Instead of giving in to her carnal desires as soon as they get into the hotel room, she informs Mister Freedom of how Captain Formidable was mind controlled by the evil Music Man. As she is giving us boring exposition, Mister Freedom is outside throwing a window washer off the building. Mister Freedom is never not violent. Freedom is all about peace. Somehow that correlates with being the biggest jerk ever.
Oh, yeah, satire.
So, Marie takes Mister Freedom to a soiree in his honor, filled with people with hilarious names like Johnny Detergent. Whoever named the characters in this movie outshines even the immortal Sly Stallone in the stupid name department. All of them are wearing shirts with Freedom or "F" on it, including ladies with "F"s on they boobies. They are also holding pro-freedom signs and banners and throwing confetti all over the place. It's actually quite the happening little shindig. They even have a band made of four buff forty-year-olds in unitards made for turn of the century wrestlers! They are tiny, squat, mounds of muscle that play the shit out of the simple song they were tasked with.
Mister Freedom takes this opportunity to show a ridiculously long slide show of what makes America so great, complete with pictures of war atrocities, and a bizarre soliloquy about how Harlem (and black people) are shit. This gets the cowardly French really pumped up, so Mister Freedom goes back to his hotel room, forces a lady to strip for him and eat poisoned eggs, and then makes his way to the American embassy.
The American embassy is proto-Wal-Mart. It is clean, white, and you can buy anything there. Also, you will be surrounded by ladies dressed in star shirts hopping around and gettin' real excited to see you. But, in case you are unsure of what Freedom and America are, there is a loudspeaker repeating all the key points about what makes America grand over and over again.
Mister Freedom doesn't do much here but once again talk about how nobody has a bigger cock than America, and then sets off to meet Super Frenchman. And this, my friends, is exactly where insanity straight up replaces any and all logical actions.
First of all, Super Frenchman is a gigantic balloon man in a knit cap. He is that inflatable tube man you see at used car dealerships, only in a striped shirt. He is the balloon version of a stereotypical French sailor. Secondly, His henchman are "W"s colored in the French flag. You read that right. There are dudes in a costume shaped like the letter "W" backing him up.
Super Frenchman stone cold denies to help Mister Freedom. This does not sit well, but Super Frenchman flies away. So, Mister Freedom just stares at the "W"s and they surrender! They lost the will to fight! We find out that this is because Mister Freedom has hypno-sunglasses. Then, he squirts a flower at the last "W" and strolls out. Yeah, so, Mister Freedom is the Joker.
Since he has no crimes to clown prince, Mister Freedom tracks down Music Man. Music Man is a guy in an inflatable Mountie costume. The best way to describe it is to think of those sumo suits you have seen at any depiction of a sweet party, only instead of padding, that is all just air. He even has the stupid flappy cap.
I'd like to say something ridiculous happens at first, but it doesn't. They just have a very long, very stupid political debate.
Naturally, the craziness has to go into overdrive to make up for this, so Mister Freedom and Music Man's tête-à-tête is broken up by none other than Red Chinaman, who, as luck would have it, is a gigantic inflatable dragon complete with stereotypical Chinese accent. But don't think too long about that, because now that the argument has become a three-way, none other than Jesus Christ and his mother, Mary, show up. All of these guys gang up on Mister Freedom, calling him stupid and a jerk, and really mean things. The cunning warrior he is, Mister Freedom, backs away, smacks his head on a sign, and knocks himself unconscious.
All of this happens in five minutes. In five minutes, a mountie in an inflated uniform, and inflatable dragon, Jesus Christ, Mary, and Mister Freedom are all arguing back and forth about how much of a jerk America is. And, instead of fighting back, Mister Freedom knocks himself out.
Just pause a little longer and think about that.
Now check your watch.
The movie ain't even half over yet.This crazy train done derailed, and nothing is stopping it from a fiery explosion. Not even an early cameo by the King of Kings.
So, Mister Freedom is captured and let escape by the broad you see in that picture of Mister Freedom in full armor. To repay the favor, Mister Freedom murders her. He uses his new found freedom (pun intended? who knows?) to crash straight through the window of Marie's house. Marie is super jazzed to see him, and we see that she plasters her wall with posters of Disney characters and Hitler.
Mister Freedom is kind of down, so he goes to brush his teeth. He runs into Marie's son, who is pretty much Little Orphan Annie, complete with a pink wig instead of red to make it extra effeminate. Mister Freedom mocks this kid, but the kid gets the upper hand when he tells Mister Freedom that no one likes him and that he is a fascist.
Mister Freedom just cannot deal with this news so he has an existential crisis. Yes. That is right. The dude who beats up tourists and window washers has a crisis of identity.
First he rages ridiculously at foreigners and black people and how everyone should just leave America alone. Then, he gets stigmata and turns into a fat, blubbering baby. Then, it is all revealed to be an evil trick by Red Chinaman.
I refuse to elaborate on that.
So, seeing as how his tooth antenna has been switched for one that makes Mister Freedom feel bad about America, Marie takes him to the Freedom dentist who fixes that problem. After the procedure is finished, Mister Freedom kills the dentist. No witnesses, after all.
This immediately cuts to the funeral of that broad that helped Mister Freedom escaped. Music Man is there, being a big baby and not waiting to fight, so his army decides to take matters into their own hands. Music Man is the stupid chief of this movie. He doesn't know how to get results.
Meanwhile, somewhere, a bunch of French people are fighting each other, seemingly to the death in a cave somewhere. One guy is in a straight up diaper, and there are two dudes drowning a naked lady in a bathtub full of blood. All the rest are wearing clothes that make the rags the slave children wore in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom look like Hilfiger. Why, exactly, they are fighting to the death is never made clear. Then again, rules one and two of Fight Club.
We find out that this is the hidden bunker for Freedom HQ. Mister Freedom storms in and tells them all to be terrorists. He calls it a cold war, but I am not sure a cold war involved out and out terrorizing a country. But that is beside the point, because he then straight up home shopping networks grab bags of weapons of mass destruction that he is giving to each and every freedom fighter. The freedom fighters celebrate this news by returning to beating the shit out of each other.
We then get a montage of the freedom fighters terrorizing France. Nothing too crazy here besides an egg beater that can turn off all the power in the city. I know that is normal crazy, but it is not Mister Freedom crazy.
Now, my friends, we get to journey into the Freedom command center. If you thought Super Frenchman had a surreal group of henchman, you were wrong. The place is swarming with insanity. I cannot accurately describe everything you will see here, as no two henchman looks alike. It's all just various red, white, and blue sports equipment and jerseys. They look like crazy goalies and catchers and overweight, over the hill pitchers. I guess every army needs a Kenny Powers or two. Oh, and there are dudes who are full, head to toe, covered in giant, red and white striped body suits. The arms are ridiculously long and they just kinda flail around like scared E.T.'s
Damn, I almost forgot the Mouseketeers, who are just Playboy bunny waitresses copyright infringing on Disney.
There's a bunch more sissy debating going on here, but that is cut short by the French resistance attacking, all wearing various Halloween masks in one of the longest, stupidest, most ridiculous battles I have ever seen. Bullets seem to only effect some people. Linebackers tackle radicals. And, in a stunning act of betrayal, we find out Marie is one of them! She hates freedom!
Mister Freedom does not take this lightly. He strangles her to death, cries a little, then goes straight up gonzo nuts. He puts on war paint and starts bombing random areas in France. After he has blown up half the country, he demands to be put on television.
He then gives the single most ridiculous speech I think I have ever heard in my life. I can't repeat it. Without his delivery, it isn't the same. But, basically, he demands that France surrenders to freedom, or he will nuke the whole country.
We then see stock footage of parades with a song about how Freedom is awful and that the world has to unite against it and that France will rise again and blah blah blah who cares? It ends with Mister Freedom going back to home base, finding all his men dead, and then nuking France.
Only, it wasn't really a nuke. He took out like a block, and we can see cars and people wandering around. Then Donald Pleasance gets on Mister Freedom's wrist television and sings an even creepier version of Mister Freedom's theme song.
Oh, and we find out that Mister Freedom was a robot.